Nonexistent Neutrality

As I am attempting to educate myself with defensible reasons for the truthfulness of the Christian faith, I find myself wanting. Yet not, as it would seem, wanting of better facts. It is a desire for a neutral base of knowledge by which I can measure the validity of each side's arguments. This I do not have and therefore can never have. Neutrality no more exists in reality than does hate exist in true love.

Maybe I am wrong on that point. Yes, speaking abstractly, neutrality may exist - it is just that we can never obtain such neutrality for ourselves. Assimilated knowledge is perpetually influenced by previous knowledge which is in turn influenced by the new knowledge that is assimilated. I am therefore inclined not to believe that my reasoning faculty is in any sense neutral. At this point, my reason points me to the existence of God because of my previous knowledge and experience, just as the atheists reason points him towards the non-existence of God due to his own previous knowledge and experience. The complexities that are found herein are lengthy, because many will posit the atheist who grew up in a Christian home learning Christian things all of his life, or the Christian who grew up in a Muslim culture learning the Islamic worldview. Maybe the events by which we are influenced are so vastly dynamic and relative to inherent personality that the atheist who grew up in a Christian home really only experienced and learned an atheistic worldview. Though the intention of her parents was to raise her up to trust in Christ as her Savior, the multitude of events that she experienced along with her inherent personality caused her to develop such a worldview that, when her well meaning parents taught her about Christ, they effected the opposite of what they wished for. Unknowingly, they fed her the exact truth which she was most inclined to disbelieve.

Of course, this is only hypothetical conjecture. I have no real evidence for this that I am capable of producing, and even if I presently do, I sincerely doubt it would be compelling. However, you may be able to assign this to your collection of evidence and find that it matches up well. You might also find that it is entirely inconsistent with your evidence, but hopefully not both at once.

While an abstract neutrality may exist, the moment it is perceived it loses its position of disengagement. Maybe what I am wanting is a neutral source. But even that falls apart, because when that source relays information to me, the information is subjected to all of my previous bias. I am not an objective person. What, then, can I appeal to in the defense of the Christian faith that will hold true across the spectrum of humanity? Is it Calvin's sensus divinitatis, an a priori apologia made for God's existence which turns to an ostensible universal sense of divinity?

I'm left with a choice. I fear that choice because I fear my own subjectivity which inevitably influences my decision. I've been dealt a hand, and the time has come to place my bets. Yet I now realize that this game began a long time ago. It must have, because I have already placed bets and then been dealt new hands which providentially expound upon the hand I had previously. "Ante's in, time to place your bet." Once again, I am forced to choose rather than forced to go all in or fold. It's the difference between persuasion and coercion that seems to me the most compelling.

An Unfair Trial

Innocent men are found guilty. Eloquent argument sways the jury into believing a lie. Blamelessness does not ensure fairness. We are so quick to listen to and set in stone what comes with style and conviction, and so slow to discern what truth lies behind the man who screams pride into existence.

Back in Texas

The past two months have been wild. I feel as though I've shifted from a faithful servant of Christ to a struggling skeptic of the Bible. It has been crucial to my faith, and it is not yet reconciled. It has shocked most people whom I've told, but I'm not alive to be pretentious, I'm here to find truth that doesn't hinge on how I feel at one time or another. I came to a point where I could not reasonably explain why I believe in the Bible, in its inerrancy and completion, in it being the divinely inspired Word of God. I had been believing on the basis of feeling, and when I began to feel bad more and more, I realized that I needed something more concrete, something that would transcend my own emotions and stay solid in the face of adversity. That is the quest I embarked on, and while it has rendered me hopeless and confused at times, there has been an undercurrent of motivation that keeps me searching for this absolute truth.

January 17, 2011 -- 12:47am

Sitting in a small white room can be introspectively eye opening. With a lack of color comes a certain preoccupation with self. A realization of how corruptible man is demands immediate and sincere surrender unto Christ. Frailty is the nature of man. Strength belongs to Jesus Christ alone.
All too often, I make demands of myself that I am unable to meet. I demand honesty and purity, humility and kindness, self control and love. I achieve no sincere accomplishment of such noble traits. I am given over to passion. A day does not go by where I abstain from lies or lust, pride or vain ambition. Each and every waking moment forms a pattern, a story dependent upon my decision in any given situation.

Will I surrender to Christ, or live in my own strength?

How Could I Express

With few words, there's little to say; an impostor is making his way inside. Well, there's not much to say but the same thing over and over again, I've done it again, and again, and again so much that I no longer call it sin; rather, personality. Realistically, I cannot express what I desire, because I desire death, it's obvious, or I wouldn't do it again. Or is it? Is this what it seems, or am I just deceived; I believe in satisfaction, yet I never find myself satisfied with what I see, just enough to keep me slaked. I am incredibly inane, indelibly insane of my own; thank God it's not just me. In a moment of weakness I think that I am my own, but in your grace I belong to something greater, your strength I seek to keep my feet from falling off the planet of my own means, I mean to die; stay OUT of the temple, where you don't belong! I am not my own, I am bought at a price, so leave God with his devices and he will satisfy! Our thoughts alive with life, love and lascivious intentions; give me what I want, everything in the kingdom will be mine if I will worship you!
NO, I refuse, I refuse to be aligned with you, I beseech intervention!
Lord, I know I am not and you are, please make me to know who you truly are. Rescue me from death, save me from the grave! How do I glorify if I am not glorious; no, I cannot glorify, but you can use me how you want. Do it yourself! for I am unable to with my small will.

A Faze In My Life

Am I crazy and demented or psychotic?

Maybe everyone's a bit like this; I'm normal then... I'm normal, then!

Could I just be normal like everyone else?

Fear in facets, we're afraid to be alone and alone cause we're afraid.

Am I holding on to life itself, or living recklessly?

I am absolutely, irrevocably, inconsolably unhinged. I am failing at the basics, yet I expect A's on pieces of paper.

Life screams to be noticed, beckons to be taken seriously.

I need to take life seriously.

Don't hold me back, I can do it myself, and I'll damage this relationship.

It's two, and I can guess who.

Holding back to keep you sane, I've saved you from a fiend.

My love is real to me, but maybe not to you. I never want you to know who I am.
I am the epitome of disaster.

Heart, mind, and emotion overlaps in the case of blowing situations out of proportion.

Irrational thoughts are natural for me.

Who am I?

We Are Who We Are

Thoughts of who I once was hold me back from becoming who I'm meant to be. As the millstone around my neck keeping me from moving forward, my past is always there.

I reflect on how I used to be nearer to God than I am now. A time when I was able to worship freely, speak sincerely. I strove to be a better man, whereas now I seem to forget that I'm trying. I sang until I cried, and bitterly wept in honest repentance before the Lord; a David worshiper. Allow me to use my life as an example, as I lay out the differences between now and then.

The times when I was sincerely trying and humbly growing in faith were the times when I set realistic and uncompromising boundaries in my life. I set apart time every day to be with the Lord in private, and made efforts to use my talents to worship him. Letting go of pride and fighting an introverted personality, I sought fellowship with those who could encourage me. Difficulties came, yet I was not crushed, and I followed the way that he made for me.

The times when I have felt abandoned and ashamed were the times when I tried unrealistic and futile methods to change my life to be like Christ. This led to feelings of failure that dug me deeper into a pit of self pity and sin that never seemed to end. Gradual decline in the time that I spent with God added to my guilt, while numerous transgressions in minutes, even seconds, fueled the belief of a limit to forgiveness. Succumbing to fear and judgement, I rejected the need for others to encourage me. I am this person.

I know now that I need simple honesty. I must ask myself honest questions, and give honest answers. Am I who I used to be, a man after God's own heart? Or have I strayed away, allowing fraudulence, impulse, and fear to drive my life?

Let us stop looking back to who we used to be, trying to be them again. Instead, let us face the facts of who we are at this moment and keep our gaze on Christ, our Lord and Savior, Author and Perfecter of faith, Redeemer of Mankind, who knows our struggle and empathizes with our pain.
Let us read the Scripture's that we've been too prideful to read, thinking we already know the truth they express, and take them to heart as if they were new to us.
Let us step out in humility, and ask others for help.

Whether for good or bad, we are who we are, not who we used to be.