We Are Who We Are

Thoughts of who I once was hold me back from becoming who I'm meant to be. As the millstone around my neck keeping me from moving forward, my past is always there.

I reflect on how I used to be nearer to God than I am now. A time when I was able to worship freely, speak sincerely. I strove to be a better man, whereas now I seem to forget that I'm trying. I sang until I cried, and bitterly wept in honest repentance before the Lord; a David worshiper. Allow me to use my life as an example, as I lay out the differences between now and then.

The times when I was sincerely trying and humbly growing in faith were the times when I set realistic and uncompromising boundaries in my life. I set apart time every day to be with the Lord in private, and made efforts to use my talents to worship him. Letting go of pride and fighting an introverted personality, I sought fellowship with those who could encourage me. Difficulties came, yet I was not crushed, and I followed the way that he made for me.

The times when I have felt abandoned and ashamed were the times when I tried unrealistic and futile methods to change my life to be like Christ. This led to feelings of failure that dug me deeper into a pit of self pity and sin that never seemed to end. Gradual decline in the time that I spent with God added to my guilt, while numerous transgressions in minutes, even seconds, fueled the belief of a limit to forgiveness. Succumbing to fear and judgement, I rejected the need for others to encourage me. I am this person.

I know now that I need simple honesty. I must ask myself honest questions, and give honest answers. Am I who I used to be, a man after God's own heart? Or have I strayed away, allowing fraudulence, impulse, and fear to drive my life?

Let us stop looking back to who we used to be, trying to be them again. Instead, let us face the facts of who we are at this moment and keep our gaze on Christ, our Lord and Savior, Author and Perfecter of faith, Redeemer of Mankind, who knows our struggle and empathizes with our pain.
Let us read the Scripture's that we've been too prideful to read, thinking we already know the truth they express, and take them to heart as if they were new to us.
Let us step out in humility, and ask others for help.

Whether for good or bad, we are who we are, not who we used to be.