Wow, I am such a hypocrite. I've been tossed back and forth by every wave, blown here and there by every wind; one minute satisfied with Jesus, the next, crushed by my unfaithfulness. But I encouraged myself; it's sad, actually, but I went back and read some of my blog. My excuse? To see where I've come from, and pathetically grasp at what I once recently had. All shame aside, I stumbled upon this very recent challenge to others, which ends up being a challenge to myself.
"Take an objective look at yourself over the past few months. Isn't God working in you? Breaking you free from bondage, bringing you nearer to Him, igniting PASSION in your heart to know Him and love Him. Ask your Father in heaven to help you see yourself how He sees you. Don't settle for guilt, shame, disappointment. Fight for a clear perspective on who He says you are."
Fight. That's what gets to me. I have not fought, but rather been pitiful in my defense rather than fighting for my faith. "Fight for my faith, live what I believe, gotta stand on my feet and sing, Oh I will sing..." I believe God is challenging me here. Do I fight, or lament in my supposed suffering? I have no grounds for my laments in comparison to others who continue to praise God, despite their trials. I am a sad warrior in God's Kingdom, but God is faithful to his people. "You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart." Am I willing? Is my heart in this? No, not right now, but my heart is still beating. I am still allowed this opportunity to further God's Kingdom in a practical way. So I will fight for a right perspective on who God is, who I am, what I am doing, and what this ship is doing. This is too big to simply give up until I am done. I have something to offer here, and I will not shy away from that.
I'll tell you a bit about where I am/what I'm doing/my living conditions now that I'm done encouraging myself.
Well, let's see. My bed is super comfy. It's the top bunk, with a little curtain that made me silently scream when I first shut it. It's that feeling you get when you build a living room fort out of couch cushions and sheets, and you get a flashlight and some snacks, and it's the safest place you could ever be (other than in the Sixth Sense). I love that feeling, so every time I experience it, I silently throw a fit, unless of course there is a sickly girl vomiting in front me, at which point I'd throw a very loud fit. But usually silently, because there are room mates that I don't know well twelve inches away from me. Don't want a weird reputation. Or do I? I am a weird guy.
Food is good. Breakfast is at horrid hours, so I usually sleep through it.
Shower's are short, but doable.
Water conservation is a big deal.
ADD is kicking in fast.
I'm thinking about pulling out my new journal. There's this attachment to my old one, and a bit of OCD about finishing it entirely, but I might break the mold and leave the last 12 pages blank. It's holding me back from WRITING, because I keep expecting to write what I used to write, exactly how I used to write. But if I crack out my new journal and start fresh, maybe my bout of writer's block will be broken. I'm going to take a risk. Leave my old journal behind, pray over my new one, ask God for my prayer's to be passionate, freeing, full of truth and honesty. I write, that's how I pray. I can't focus without writing. Learning? Maybe, or it's just my style. I think I'll stop rambling now; I digress.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Friday, May 21, 2010
Fifteenth Post -- asdf;klj
I am now on the ship.
We are still in port.
My brain is shot right now, I truly can't think well, so forgive me as I try to form something communicable. Like that word, I have no idea if it's used in the right place.
Anyways, I've been sick for the past however many days. I don't even know days anymore. I got on the ship on Tuesday, and it's currently Friday night. YES. I am slowly regaining composure. It's been dumb being sick for the first few days on board -- it's not seasickness though. I've had this rascal of a fever that is fighting to stay in my body. I still have a terrible sore throat, but I've been up and aboutish for today and yesterday.
Basically, I need grace. Learning about humbling myself lately, I'll do that now in brutal honesty. Lately, all these things have been stacking up on me that I've taken on to myself, and it gets tiring. I feel like I've been ripped away from God because of this sickness, and how busy I've been, so I haven't been able to spend any time to myself just to sit down with God and whine and scream like I normally do, so I've been bottling it all up inside. It's about to push me over if I don't stop now and re-think things a bit. I want to find rest in God again. I don't know how I will do this without God, in all honesty. I envy and respect those that live minute to minute life styles and still fit Jesus into their day. But it starts with Jesus, right? I try.
So I'm going to go talk with Him now and see if I can work some things out. In the midst of all the busyness, I'll do my best to keep you up to date. Right now, this is a call to prayer, because I truly do need it.
Prayer points = peace, rest, wisdom, perseverance, and a genuine heart for what we're doing.
We are still in port.
My brain is shot right now, I truly can't think well, so forgive me as I try to form something communicable. Like that word, I have no idea if it's used in the right place.
Anyways, I've been sick for the past however many days. I don't even know days anymore. I got on the ship on Tuesday, and it's currently Friday night. YES. I am slowly regaining composure. It's been dumb being sick for the first few days on board -- it's not seasickness though. I've had this rascal of a fever that is fighting to stay in my body. I still have a terrible sore throat, but I've been up and aboutish for today and yesterday.
Basically, I need grace. Learning about humbling myself lately, I'll do that now in brutal honesty. Lately, all these things have been stacking up on me that I've taken on to myself, and it gets tiring. I feel like I've been ripped away from God because of this sickness, and how busy I've been, so I haven't been able to spend any time to myself just to sit down with God and whine and scream like I normally do, so I've been bottling it all up inside. It's about to push me over if I don't stop now and re-think things a bit. I want to find rest in God again. I don't know how I will do this without God, in all honesty. I envy and respect those that live minute to minute life styles and still fit Jesus into their day. But it starts with Jesus, right? I try.
So I'm going to go talk with Him now and see if I can work some things out. In the midst of all the busyness, I'll do my best to keep you up to date. Right now, this is a call to prayer, because I truly do need it.
Prayer points = peace, rest, wisdom, perseverance, and a genuine heart for what we're doing.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Fourteenth Post -- Mt. Warning
I climbed a mountain yesterday.
I'm not in shape.
So today, I hurt everywhere.
Let me explain. I can barely walk. Jennifer and I (she's one of the land team directors) walked (a bit short of jogging) up the mountain, 4.4km (2.7 miles), all uphill. It was rain-foresty and beautiful on the way up. The last part was close to vertical, with a chain on the side to hold on to. The top was an awesome view. After about twenty minutes of rest, we jogged the entire way down. It was very good. I did well on the way up, and better on the way down, but today I am nothing. I limp when I walk. It's a sad sight, but I don't accept any pity. When people ask me why I'm limping I just jog a little and smile to ease their minds. "Nope, nothing wrong here!"
I'm surprised at how much I enjoyed it though. Area permitting, I'll climb a mountain every port we stop at!
So as for how my time is going here, it's progressing. I'm getting more and more comfortable with all the people, but then when the ship gets in on Tuesday, I'll have more people to meet. I haven't seen the ship yet, I'm with the land team waiting for it to come in. We split into groups and went to church this morning. We went to the wrong church first. But we had already gone inside and introduced ourselves, so we left three there, and Jen and I went to the right one. It was funny. But I can't laugh, because my body really hurts. Don't pity me or ask me why I'm limping though, I really hate jogging.
I'm not in shape.
So today, I hurt everywhere.
Let me explain. I can barely walk. Jennifer and I (she's one of the land team directors) walked (a bit short of jogging) up the mountain, 4.4km (2.7 miles), all uphill. It was rain-foresty and beautiful on the way up. The last part was close to vertical, with a chain on the side to hold on to. The top was an awesome view. After about twenty minutes of rest, we jogged the entire way down. It was very good. I did well on the way up, and better on the way down, but today I am nothing. I limp when I walk. It's a sad sight, but I don't accept any pity. When people ask me why I'm limping I just jog a little and smile to ease their minds. "Nope, nothing wrong here!"
I'm surprised at how much I enjoyed it though. Area permitting, I'll climb a mountain every port we stop at!
So as for how my time is going here, it's progressing. I'm getting more and more comfortable with all the people, but then when the ship gets in on Tuesday, I'll have more people to meet. I haven't seen the ship yet, I'm with the land team waiting for it to come in. We split into groups and went to church this morning. We went to the wrong church first. But we had already gone inside and introduced ourselves, so we left three there, and Jen and I went to the right one. It was funny. But I can't laugh, because my body really hurts. Don't pity me or ask me why I'm limping though, I really hate jogging.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Thirteenth Post -- IN Australia!
I am jet lagged. A little bit. So hopefully that will make this post more interesting without me even noticing.
Well. I don't know where to start.
So I traveled for I don't know how many hours, from DFW to LAX to Auckland to Melbourne to Sydney, where I stayed overnight, and finally (in relation to plane travel), Ballina. There I was picked up by some people from the YWAM base in Byron Bay, which is actually thirty-ish minutes away from Ballina, drove around in a rickety van with for a couple hours posting up flyers for the ship (which is coming in to Ballina next Tuesday), and then back to their base -- thirty-ish minutes away. So I stayed there overnight (last night), woke up, was informed somebody would come pick me up at 8am, Kevin (base director) picked me up, drove another thirty-ish minutes away to where I currently am, which is I don't know where. I don't know where I am, really. All I know is it's a farm turned hostel (cabins/main building with kitchens&lounge area/little horses/pigs/pond with kayaks/beautiful scenery/and one rabbit that I really want to shoot because it looks so big) for the next few days, until we move to a church, until we move to another campground closer to Ballina, until I move onto the ship.
Get all that? Take some time to read back over it if you like. It's a lot of moving around. Quite scenic.
When I arrived this morning, we had worship/prayer times which was awesome. I felt almost right at home, which is pretty good for the first day. After worship/prayer we had morning tea, and then returned for lectures about the ship and what it's doing and who YWAM is and what not. Learning what I'll be saying to interested people. That involved splitting into groups of two every now and then for practice. I could go on about my day, but it got pretty boring from there, at least on paper (computer), so I'll spare you that. I did eat though.
The night is not over. It's only 6:42pm right now. I'm fairly uncreative right now, so all I can offer you is all that informational writing up there. Hopefully as time goes on I'll start getting inspired again and be able to entertain you with eloquent, smooth, and witty literature. Do I sound conceited?
Well. I don't know where to start.
So I traveled for I don't know how many hours, from DFW to LAX to Auckland to Melbourne to Sydney, where I stayed overnight, and finally (in relation to plane travel), Ballina. There I was picked up by some people from the YWAM base in Byron Bay, which is actually thirty-ish minutes away from Ballina, drove around in a rickety van with for a couple hours posting up flyers for the ship (which is coming in to Ballina next Tuesday), and then back to their base -- thirty-ish minutes away. So I stayed there overnight (last night), woke up, was informed somebody would come pick me up at 8am, Kevin (base director) picked me up, drove another thirty-ish minutes away to where I currently am, which is I don't know where. I don't know where I am, really. All I know is it's a farm turned hostel (cabins/main building with kitchens&lounge area/little horses/pigs/pond with kayaks/beautiful scenery/and one rabbit that I really want to shoot because it looks so big) for the next few days, until we move to a church, until we move to another campground closer to Ballina, until I move onto the ship.
Get all that? Take some time to read back over it if you like. It's a lot of moving around. Quite scenic.
When I arrived this morning, we had worship/prayer times which was awesome. I felt almost right at home, which is pretty good for the first day. After worship/prayer we had morning tea, and then returned for lectures about the ship and what it's doing and who YWAM is and what not. Learning what I'll be saying to interested people. That involved splitting into groups of two every now and then for practice. I could go on about my day, but it got pretty boring from there, at least on paper (computer), so I'll spare you that. I did eat though.
The night is not over. It's only 6:42pm right now. I'm fairly uncreative right now, so all I can offer you is all that informational writing up there. Hopefully as time goes on I'll start getting inspired again and be able to entertain you with eloquent, smooth, and witty literature. Do I sound conceited?
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Twelfth Post
I'm leaving in less than twelve hours. Excitement and anxiety don't always mix well, so I'm praying for peace that passes all understanding. Why wouldn't I be anxious? I'm starting something new, oooobaaammmaa's eeelff. But not really, because God is with me, and I'll meet new people soon enough.
Sleep is high on my priorities right now, so I'm going to let it rise to the top. Consequently, this post is short. I hope that on these plane rides I will become more Christlike. And then for the next nine months, more Christlike. Closer and closer to who I was always meant to be. Nearer to who God is shaping me to be. Please, pray that over me real quick.
I love this promise that is for all believers, and I claim it by the grace of Christ.
"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Take an objective look at yourself over the past few months. Isn't God working in you? Breaking you free from bondage, bringing you nearer to Him, igniting PASSION in your heart to know Him and love Him. Ask your Father in heaven to help you see yourself how He sees you. Don't settle for guilt, shame, disappointment. Fight for a clear perspective on who He says you are.
Sleep is high on my priorities right now, so I'm going to let it rise to the top. Consequently, this post is short. I hope that on these plane rides I will become more Christlike. And then for the next nine months, more Christlike. Closer and closer to who I was always meant to be. Nearer to who God is shaping me to be. Please, pray that over me real quick.
I love this promise that is for all believers, and I claim it by the grace of Christ.
"May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it."
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
Take an objective look at yourself over the past few months. Isn't God working in you? Breaking you free from bondage, bringing you nearer to Him, igniting PASSION in your heart to know Him and love Him. Ask your Father in heaven to help you see yourself how He sees you. Don't settle for guilt, shame, disappointment. Fight for a clear perspective on who He says you are.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Eleventh Post
Wow, I feel inspired to live! I just read one of Donald Miller's blog posting's on God probably not having a specific plan for your life. Sounds a little sketchy at first glance, right? But it makes sense. Here's a link to the post:
http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/29/does-god-have-a-specific-plan-for-your-life-probably-not/
The reason this stuck out so much to me is because I could be the one sitting around waiting for God to tell me what to do if it weren't for one quote my brother, Carter, shared with me. "Love God and do what you want."
After much prayer about whether or not I should go to Australia and volunteer on the Pacific Link medical ship, I still didn't have an angel knock at my door and tell me that it was the right thing to do. Nor did I have God speak to me directly. Nor did I have everything working out perfectly, yet. It was still all up in the air. But I guess you could say that phone conversation with Carter nudged me over the edge. "Love God and do what you want." I want to go to Australia, I want to volunteer on this ship, and I love God. So I decided to go for it. And everything is working out! Why?
Because God loves me, and He loves that I'm following after His heart, so He's opening doors. It's not cocky for me to write that last sentence, it's Truth. God loves me. There is not an atom of hate in Him towards me. I heard the definition somewhere that to hate is "to wish death upon," but God wants life for me! He WANTS to see me prosper. He WANTS to see me content. He WANTS me to be joyful. He WANTS me to live an adventure. He WANTS to fulfill the desires of my heart. He WANTS to be my sole provider and foundation. And He is more than capable to do all of these things.
When I write "me," I mean "us." All of this applies to you -- ...unless you are an animal. I don't think He sent Jesus Christ to reconcile animals to Himself. But seriously, do you want joy, prosperity, contentment, adventure, fulfillment? My Father in heaven will provide.
I decided to draw with my crayons, and God is blessing me immensely. I say this before I have even departed on my adventure. How much more will I feel blessed when I'm living it?! Psalm 37:4-5 says " Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act..." Take my story as a testimony to God's faithfulness, please. This is what I have done, and what I am doing: I am delighting myself in the Lord as best I can; he is giving me the desires of my heart, regardless of my failure to delight in him completely. I have committed my way to the Lord as best I can, albeit my commitment to him is nothing compared to his commitment to me. Now, I am trusting in him by deciding to go to Australia, essentially without any money or 'sure sign' from him. And my gracious, loving, proud, honorable Father in heaven is acting. He is cheering me on, faithfully providing through the loving hearts of YOU. If you are supporting me in prayer, finances, or simply good favor, you yourself are a testimony to God's faithfulness in my life. So I thank you, and I thank God!
Live a little. Stop limiting yourself, and God. Go for it. If it's a desire of your heart, try it; see what happens. If it doesn't work out, maybe that's your 'sure sign' that it's not God's will right now. Delight yourself in God, commit your way to him, and then trust him to act in your best interest. Draw with your crayons!
http://donmilleris.com/2010/04/29/does-god-have-a-specific-plan-for-your-life-probably-not/
The reason this stuck out so much to me is because I could be the one sitting around waiting for God to tell me what to do if it weren't for one quote my brother, Carter, shared with me. "Love God and do what you want."
After much prayer about whether or not I should go to Australia and volunteer on the Pacific Link medical ship, I still didn't have an angel knock at my door and tell me that it was the right thing to do. Nor did I have God speak to me directly. Nor did I have everything working out perfectly, yet. It was still all up in the air. But I guess you could say that phone conversation with Carter nudged me over the edge. "Love God and do what you want." I want to go to Australia, I want to volunteer on this ship, and I love God. So I decided to go for it. And everything is working out! Why?
Because God loves me, and He loves that I'm following after His heart, so He's opening doors. It's not cocky for me to write that last sentence, it's Truth. God loves me. There is not an atom of hate in Him towards me. I heard the definition somewhere that to hate is "to wish death upon," but God wants life for me! He WANTS to see me prosper. He WANTS to see me content. He WANTS me to be joyful. He WANTS me to live an adventure. He WANTS to fulfill the desires of my heart. He WANTS to be my sole provider and foundation. And He is more than capable to do all of these things.
When I write "me," I mean "us." All of this applies to you -- ...unless you are an animal. I don't think He sent Jesus Christ to reconcile animals to Himself. But seriously, do you want joy, prosperity, contentment, adventure, fulfillment? My Father in heaven will provide.
I decided to draw with my crayons, and God is blessing me immensely. I say this before I have even departed on my adventure. How much more will I feel blessed when I'm living it?! Psalm 37:4-5 says " Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him, and he will act..." Take my story as a testimony to God's faithfulness, please. This is what I have done, and what I am doing: I am delighting myself in the Lord as best I can; he is giving me the desires of my heart, regardless of my failure to delight in him completely. I have committed my way to the Lord as best I can, albeit my commitment to him is nothing compared to his commitment to me. Now, I am trusting in him by deciding to go to Australia, essentially without any money or 'sure sign' from him. And my gracious, loving, proud, honorable Father in heaven is acting. He is cheering me on, faithfully providing through the loving hearts of YOU. If you are supporting me in prayer, finances, or simply good favor, you yourself are a testimony to God's faithfulness in my life. So I thank you, and I thank God!
Live a little. Stop limiting yourself, and God. Go for it. If it's a desire of your heart, try it; see what happens. If it doesn't work out, maybe that's your 'sure sign' that it's not God's will right now. Delight yourself in God, commit your way to him, and then trust him to act in your best interest. Draw with your crayons!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
