Taste and See That All Is Not Well

God, I am helpless. How can I be saved when my life is full of sin? I perpetually sin, and I have done so since I thought that I was saved. If I am a saint, a slave to righteousness, then why are all of my thoughts and actions sinful? I feel more like a slave to Satan. The history of my life determines how I think about my future, and because of that I am hopeless. I have tried to love righteousness and have never been able to do so. I do not love you, God. I do not love holiness. If I did, wouldn't I have more motivation to do what pleases you? Deep down I want to honor you, but I find that I am unable to. Every day I choose what is vile. If Christ set me free for freedom, then why am I not free? I am not free from sin, unless I am so deceived that I believe otherwise. What does it matter what I believe? If my salvation is true, doesn't it have objective effects that are independent of my subjective beliefs? Is it all up to me? What I believe, what I choose, what I do? Am I just a thought away from living a life that is honoring to you? I don't know how to change what I believe. I am so caught up in my experiences that I cannot deny their testimony as truthful. This is real life. My path is determined by my past, and the present life that I live is directing me downwards, to the grave, to death. I cannot do anything about it. If I am wrong, I cannot change how I think. Not of my own accord. If it does change, I will not be able to pinpoint the cause as of my own volition. What do I do? Keep living this life of sin? Why? That is the ultimate question that incites fear and worry in every reader's soul. Early Christians were encouraged in their suffering with the hope of Christ's immanent return (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, 5:1-11). Yet I am so plagued with unbelief, so stained by sin, that I am not encouraged with these same words. My heart needs to change, not my actions, thoughts, or beliefs. I am unable to apprehend my heart, to define what I mean with that word. What I am referring to, I do not know. It is the deepest part of me, that which I cannot understand in it's essence. I just know that my heart affects everything in my life, and I am tempted to believe that only God can do anything to change it.