I've been itching to write something on my blog, but obviously not writing anything. I've been trying to think of something worth your time, but not coming up with much. I've been vying to catch your attention and impress you with my life, but nothing is impressive. We visited a youth group here on Thursday Island a few nights ago, and I stood up in front of ten or fifteen people, and told them I was weak, which was the most liberating thing I've done lately.
I won't impress you with my stories. If I feign nothing, I am a perfectly dreadful person. I don't like how my attitudes affect me. They seep so far down that they seem to corrupt my faith. I know God is gracious, but what when I'm not gracious to myself?
This has been my struggle lately, staring back at the reality of my imperfect life. It's a pride shattering battle, filled with many tears and few words of relevance. When I try to think of Jesus rather than myself, I think of myself. I think of how bad I am at thinking of Jesus rather than myself.
I realize this is all rather depressing, but sometimes I have a taste for honesty rather than beauty. Pray with me (or in all honesty, more often for me as I can't always find the heart to pray for myself) that God might transform the ugliness of my attitudes, and break the addiction I have with sulking in my imperfection, to the glory and honor of His name.
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my friend, I am with you on your boat right now. Not literally of course, but you and me are sitting sinking slowly in a ship of self loathing. It's sad. It's dumb. I hate it. I hate that I hate it. I hate that I hate that I hate it.
ReplyDeleteLately I've been thinking about what one of our speakers said, about how when we tell ourselves we are less than something, we just need to stop ourselves and speak truth, which is that we are sons and heirs to the throne; and that God sees us as perfectly beautiful and perfectly perfect.
It seems entirely absurd to me to think something that I know to be perfectly false, but then I think about how when I want to teach someone to believe in themselves, I tell them to tell themselves they can do it. I tell them to tell themselves they can do it until they do in fact, accomplish that which they thought impossible. It's so much in the mind that it's really quite crazy.
So I'm trying to speak the truth over myself when I doubt it. It sucks, knowing I'm speaking lies, but hopefully the more I speak the truth the less it becomes a lie and the more it becomes the real living breathing truth that it really is. I'm reminded of the lovely Brand New and the song You Stole: "from the cradles they were rocked in, you took the first words that they said"...so very much truth right there in that line. He's got us speaking lies over ourselves from birth and it's a hell of a chore to start speaking life instead of death, but I'ma try real hard. I want truth in my mind. I want truth BEING my mind.
hopefully there's truth in all this as I am processing as I write. Just know you're not alone as I realize I'm not alone. And I like the fact that that Psalm that says "be still and know that I am God" is really saying in the original context "cease from striving and know that I am God". And I just heard Him say, as I typed that out, "seriously now, I'm God, do you honestly think I'm not big enough to get rid of all that crap you have? And do you seriously think I'm not sovereign enough to choose to ignore things? Stop the self-bashing, let my bigness cover all of it. I'm so dang big that I can do anything. Know it man!"
Press on and know that the God who began a good work in you will see it through. And thank you for helping me process and letting me post a freaking book on your blog (as if you had a choice)
I love you brother.
wow guys. Thanks so much for your honesty (palmer) and encouragement (jason), i just randomly happened to stumble upon this blog and God used these two posts to meet me exactly where I'm at, even though u wrote it like 2 months ago. seriously, i've been getting discouraged lately by my "lackingness"... my imperfections, my failures... i was starting to feel very alone in this struggle. i'm not so good with words right now, but it was very comforting reading what you were able to write, an expression of exactly what I've been feeling tonight. I've been dissapointed lately with my 'lack of spirituality' ... and comparing myself to others. BUT am so grateful to be reminded that God's still at work on me ... just gotta rest in and pray the TRUTH of psalm 139:8. Thank you thank you thank you. :)
ReplyDelete-Kayla
*oops that was supposed to be psalm 138:8*
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